Love and Marriage

Perhaps I am just being sappy - but today I have been awash in gratitude for the opportunity to share the last 14 years married to an amazing man.  He may be hundreds of miles away and the chaos of the day reigns on the home schedule - but I am comforted knowing that, even apart, it is a blessing to be part of such a special relationship.

Last night I got out the big wedding album and looked through every page remembering the joy of that day.  I found myself looking over and over again at one particular photo - and was caught by how much it really reflects how we started our journey - and where we find ourselves today.  It's not the bouquet and garter toss or the cake cutting (we were VERY polite).  Rather - it was the picture below - with the two officiants.  One a female Presbyterian pastor and one an Irish Catholic priest (complete with brogue).  There, at the beginning of our journey, was the perfect example of how our faith, even with its differences, stands at the center of our relationship.

It wasn't always obvious at first.  I don't think we really thought about it.  We knew what we were getting into after having dated for 6 years.  We had gone to church with each other for years, went thru 2 different sets of pre-marriage preparation, filled out twice the paper work, and negotiated the fine line of wedding jargon in order that our union would be seen as valid in both churches.  Then we had a really awesome party to celebrate getting through all that!

Now, 14 years and 2 kids later - we continue to participate in two different faith communities, fill out twice the paperwork, and negotiate the fine lines of our differing beliefs.  Guess not much has changed!

And maybe that's the point?  I've been trying to pinpoint the reasons our marriage has not only survived, but grown and flourished, in a world that seems determined to de-value the institution as passé.  It's not just about going to church.  I've seen long lasting marriages between people who never go to church, and I've seen divorce between active church members.  I could say our situation is the benefit of socio-economic status, luck, determination - or some combination of that.  I could say that we've had good examples to follow - of both what to do and what not to do.  That probably all plays a part.  And it's not like we have not had our share of trouble - we've dealt with economic challenges, health issues, family stress, church controversies and all the other ways life throws a curve ball.  

But underneath it all, there has always been a confidence that regardless of what the day brought, our individual faith grew by an exponential factor when we faced the day together - and so did our ability to deal with whatever God decided to send our way.  

  

Slow Leak or a Flat Tire?

Recently, I discovered I had a slow leak in the tire of my 3 month old car.  It ended up being patched twice in a week.   But before I could get it fixed, I was driving around with a bizarre electronic symbol on my dashbord  alerting me to the fact that my air pressure was low.   Mostly I just tried to ignore it.

As a result of this issue - I became a quick expert in using a tire pressure gauge.  I kept the air compressor in my car and filled up the tire whenever it got below a certain point.

Who cares, right?  

In my bizarre way of over-analyzing things, I saw this symbol of air pressure as a reflection of life.  How nice it would be to have a buzzer that went off when our lives had a slow leak!  We know when we have a flat tire.  It's obvious.  We drop everything and fix it cause we know we won't get anywhere until we do.  But those slow leaks can be easy to ignore - we keep thinking other things are more important.

A wise friend reminded me yesterday that indeed we DO have an inner pressure gauge!  The Holy Spirit  is there to guide us, and warn us when our pressure is getting low and we need to fill ourselves back up.  The problem is, much like the annoying light on the dashboard, we often just want to ignore it.

SO, as the May calendar looms and every day seems to get more ridiculous, I am taking another look and trying to patch the leak before the tire has a blow out....

A Behind-the-Scenes Peek!

I am sitting in the Narthex of my church passing time until an appointment for an MRI.   I am watching as a devoted couple in the church works on a creation of the tomb which will provide a visual guide for our congregation's journey through Holy Week.  The church secretary is here way past her official time, and the pastor is outside with tools putting up the sign promoting our service times this Sunday.  The landscape company is riding around the property getting the grass to a manageable level.  One of the saints of the church is wandering round doing all the little behind the scenes "fix it" jobs that he does.  The music director is working on the details of all the choral and instrument offerings that will be offered up.

Yes, it must be the Tuesday before Easter, LOL.  And I am just sitting here watching everyone else and loving how one congregation embodies all that we are to be and do as Christians.  We are to share our gifts with others.  We are to invite others to join us.  We are to do without expectation of anything in return.  Each doing his own part in the body of Christ.

And I am blessed just to be a small  part of it all.

My Daddy's Hanky

I am a crier.  This I can not deny.   Dating back to my younger days watching Little House on the Prairie, I was a sucker for every tear-jerking moment they put on the screen.  And, in general, I believe a good cry is therapeutic – despite the puffy eyes and raging headache that usually follow.

There has been an above average amount of tears shed the past few days.  Not on my own behalf, but on the behalf of others who are experiencing some of the deepest pain life on this earth can bring.  As a family bears the weight of watching a child live out his last days, I have found very few words that seem adequate to address their needs.  It has truly been a privilege to cover this family in prayer, and to see the response of a community to their physical and spiritual needs. 

My head is still pounding from what one friend described as “an emotionally intense morning”.   Despite forethought on my part, I still ran out of Kleenex.  And then I found myself wistfully thinking about my dad.  My dad is one of the few men who still carry a handkerchief (“hanky”) in his pocket.  As a kid, I always thought it was weird.  No one else that I knew did this.  But, truth be told, there is nothing more comforting than my dad’s hanky after a good cry.  It might not have happened very often – but I remember very vividly a few times when I was with my dad and the dam just burst open.  And there he was with his hanky and open arms.  No words necessary. 

A hanky doesn’t become useless once its wet – it dries pretty quick and you can keep using it.  No fear of running out.  Once a new one gets broken in and washed a few times, it becomes nice and soft like an old worn pair of jeans.  It doesn’t leave your eyes and nose feeling like they’ve just been scratched like paper tissues do.  

In an unrelated event – today I have also been dwelling on the word Abba and the various meanings of that word.  Jesus spoke this word in one of his moments of deepest anguish before being arrested in the Garden of Gesthemane.  People a lot more knowledgeable than me have likened this term to mean “Father” – but they acknowledge that there is no good English equivalent to express the true meaning behind this word.  Some have said it is like the term “Daddy”, while others say that terminology is a sign of disrespect.

As I think about the anguish Jesus was feeling, and I think about the anguish this family is feeling - I remember the comfort of the hanky which was often accompanied by a whimper of “Oh Daddy” .  No other words necessary.    

Wanna K.I.S.S. ?

I have a habit of making things more complicated than they sometimes need to be.  Like Emeril, I like to kick it up a notch.  or two.  For the most part I think it's worth it - even though it can tend to drive others around me a bit bonkers.

But it doesn't always work.  Take last year. I was all geared up to dive into 40 days of contemplative prayer during Lent.  I had not just one, but 2 books, and a brand new journal with a butterfly design.  The first couple days I sat down in my "prayer chair" at the allotted time, went thru the guided exercises, took deep breaths, made the appropriate notations.  By Day 4 I sat there and seemed only to be able to focus on the noise of the heat turning on and off and reflected on how there is no such thing as real silence.  It was not working.  I gave up a few days after that.  So much for acquiring that "new spiritual discipline".  

SO, while not really making it an official "thing", this year I have been trying to simplify during Lent.  Simple meals.  Simpler calendar where possible.  Even simple prayer?

Back in January, my bible study of the book of Luke hit Chapter 11 where Jesus teaches his disciples to pray - the verses form the basis of what many faith traditions use for the Lord's Prayer. I learned this as a child and have been saying it for years, but it began to take on a fresh meaning as I was reminded how most (all?) of our daily needs can be met in these simple, familiar words. 

SO, for Lent I have been saying the Lord's Prayer.  No fancy books, no journal, nothing complicated about it.  A lot of the time, I listen to a sung version of it, and have included a recent favorite version below.  

Some times, you just need to K.I.S.S. (keep it simple and sincere!)

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done,

on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day, our daily bread,

and forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory forever. Amen.

Would you remain homeless to keep your cats?

It's been one of those days where the heart strings are being tugged hard.  I experienced yet another in a growing collection of encounters that leave me wondering.  So, I'll just share.  

For about the 4th time in the past year, I have had an encounter with a homeless person.  I have already written about one such encounter with a man on a street corner in Richmond here.  One time I was approached in a church parking lot (the person wanted to know if the church had a food bank) and one time I was approached in a strip mall parking lot by a woman who needed a place to live.  They all caught me off guard and they all left me wondering afterward what I could have done differently. 

Today's encounter seemed to be an extension of the previous ones.  A woman was sitting in an intersection near my house - a place where I have never seen a homeless person before.  She was on the inside barrier, and my car stopped at the light to where I was literally eye level with her.  Sigh.  I knew what I needed to do - but this time it was not as much a dilemma as it had seemed on those earlier times.  I rolled down my window and handed her whatever cash I had on hand (I was literally on the way to the bank so the sum total was only about $10). I told her I'd pray that her situation improved, and I asked her if she had tried out local shelters or the county for assistance.  She said yes - but the main issue was no one would take her AND her cats.  (yes, I know....what the ???)  She was well spoken and indicated she knew quite well that many people did not understand how she would sacrifice her own well being for a bunch of animals.  Then she said, "those cats have been there for me when no one else has, and I am not going to leave them now".  

wow.  I honestly did not know what to think. I have not had a pet since I was a kid, but I know a lot of folks who would feel the same way about their pets.  I told her that I could understand, and that I hoped something worked out.  Then the light turned green.  As I drove away I actually figured she would use the money I gave her for cat food. And I was OK with that.

How are these people ending up in my path lately?  I have said before - really - I am NOT that person who talks to homeless people.  But here I am talking to them? 

SO - here is what I think I might have learned so far from these encounters:

1)  It's gotten easier every time.  Maybe it's cause I don't want the guilt of having ignored another human being, but with each encounter it has seemed more like the right thing to do and less "risky".  I would not have thought that ones needs "practice" for this type of thing - but maybe we do.  

2) Each time I have wondered about what I might do differently - and this last time I actually followed thru on that.  When I asked her if she had looked into where to get help - that was something I had thought of only after he fact when approached by the woman who need a place to live. SO, maybe the practice pays off?

And I still wonder what I might have done differently.  One thing - I really should have asked her name...maybe next time I'll remember.  In the mean time, now I have added "woman on the corner"  to the "man on the corner" as folks to pray for.

Let's Do Lunch!

It all started Super Bowl Sunday – I met an old friend for lunch.  It had been a while since we had gotten together, and when we went to leave I apologized for it having taken so long to find a time we could both meet.  Her reply was one of those great unexpected gifts – in effect she replied that with some friends you don’t have to see them to know they are there if you need them, and when you do finally get together you can pick right up where you left off.  Isn't that what we all want and NEED? more of THAT?

That lunch was the beginning of what has turned out to be a month of lunches.  And all of them in their own way highlighted why it is so important to take time to just BE with people.   SO, here are a few of the “lunches” I have had recently:

-       “the new place” – a dear friend suggested lunch at a place I never would have gone to on my own.  LOVED it.  We had not seen each other since the holidays.  We could have both easily been too busy to share an hour over a meal – but we did it any way.  We got caught up on life, shared complaints about the status of our hair, and supported each other in our decision to skip dessert. 

-       “leftovers at home” – my husband and I shared a simple weekday lunch of dinner leftovers at our kitchen table.  No kids.  No agenda.  No calendar planning or household decisions to be made.   Just enjoying the time – never knowing when it might happen again (as I write this he is on travel).  And he pleasantly surprised me with a suggestion I would not have thought he would make.

-       “working lunch” –What started as a purposeful meeting with someone I knew, ended as a wonderful shared time with someone I KNEW much better.  In the end, the “purpose” of the lunch was the topic of least discussion. 

-       “mother/daughter” lunch – I brought an easy lunch to a lovely mother/daughter duo who each in their own right are friends of mine – but I don’t think we had all three lunched together before.   We shared fears, dreams, complaints, joys, and laughter. 

-       “non-lunch” – another “meeting” – but this time food was not part of  it.  We were two busy moms trying to make plans.  It was someone who I had “known” for three years, but after this lunch, felt I really KNEW for the first time.

-       “group lunch” – OK, not a lunch at all – rather it was the Ash Wednesday soup supper at my church.  But, the meal was minimal – which left more time to re-connect with older friends, and bring some newer friends into the circle of fellowship.  One slurp at a time.

-       “pre-lunch” group  - also not a lunch.  Rather a gathering of myself and a group of other women – none under the age of 60.  We all knew each other at least by name – many had known each other for a long time - yet in an hour we grew to know each other even more through sharing of stories involving tears, laughter and a bit of good-natured debate.

 What I learned or was reminded of from these lunches:

-    It’s amazing what you can learn about someone in an hour when you give them your complete attention

-      The importance of an open and honest relationship with my children, esp. as they become teenagers

-      There is much to be learned from the “elders” of the church – there is no substitute for life experience

-  We often have more in common with each other than we think, regardless of age, gender or life circumstance

-       Everyone has a great story – we just need to make the time to listen to it

-       You never know where a conversation will lead if you don’t start one

Today I learned of an idea that someone is trying to form a church that meets “online”.  I found myself dismayed at the thought.  In an age where we are given ever increasing opportunity to seclude ourselves behind machines, I don’t want the church to add to that.  We have real human need to be in relationship with other human beings. Relationships take effort, and time.  They do not happen by accident.  We can go on for a long time with surface level acquaintances, but eventually that gets old.  SO, I am grateful for a month of lunches to remind me of that. And I look forward to hearing more stories – one lunch at a time.