I should not have time to write this. In fact, if things were going according to MY plan, I'd be in Richmond sitting in a classroom right now. Instead, I will make an attempt at blog therapy. Because, really this writing thing is not to make you feel better, but to make me feel better.
My original reasoning for creating this blog was to document some of the more behind-the scenes struggles of this stay-at-home mom as she seeks to live out a Christian life in this crazy world. I'm not here to whine about laundry or that I have guilt about not feeding my kids enough veggies this week. I am here to highlight the good, the bad and the ugly of trying to actually live out what we are called to do if we claim to be Christian.
So, today is one of the ugly days. Yes, we all have them. Even if no one likes to admit them. The days when our head tells us there is a reason for the things that happen, but our hearts are hardened to hear any of it. Those days when no matter what we do, we get no comfort.
"I thought you were in Richmond today?". The words were so innocent - how was she to know they were like a dagger in my heart?? I have had to give up a class I spent months preparing for; having given up things that I love to make room for this "new thing" that I felt called to do. I was confident I was being obedient and that this was what I was supposed to be doing.
Little did I know that what I was really doing was making room...so I could have a surgery that will disrupt all the plans I made in one foul swoop.
I officially dropped my class yesterday. Months of preparing, gone in one quick click of the mouse. When I read this is sounds SO melodramatic. People are dying; people are out of work. And here I am whining about not being able to go to class. I get it. I do. But I have also been told previously that the horse on my back is no less heavy just cause my neighbor is carrying an elephant. For me, the past few days have felt like a herd of elephants.
SO, there you have it. Today is one of the ugly days. Don't come ask me to smile or pretend I am in a good mood. Don't tell me it will all work out. I already KNOW that. It's just that today I am not FEELING it. And that's just how it is some days. And you know what - THAT'S OK. It doesn't mean I didn't pray. I did - but really it was more of a pity party. It doesn't mean I don't appreciate all the praying others are doing for me. Frankly, it's about the only source of comfort I have found in this whole mess.
And tomorrow might be a better day. But it might not. And that's OK too. Cause the bottom line is that as a Christian I don't have to be perfect. I am allowed to have bad days, and I don't have to apologize for it. So I am not going to. In the end, what being a Christian really gives me is hope. Today might suck, but tomorrow is a new day, and my head knows deep down that God is already doing a new thing. The hope is that tomorrow my heart feels it.
